Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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