i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
