apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
