I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
