Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
