I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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