I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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