So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
