i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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