I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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