I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
