UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
