maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
