Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
