I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
