she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
