What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
