My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm passing your future prison.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
