Can i not drive my cunt home
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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