At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
