I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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