I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
