I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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