i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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