I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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