yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
