I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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