I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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