so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
