I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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