Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
