Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
