You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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