I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
