just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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