Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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