You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
