you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
