Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
