I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
