So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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