He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
