I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
