i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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