if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
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