i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
People with herpes should wear stickers.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
