yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
