I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Fuck me I smell like cheese
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
