my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
