I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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