the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
